Spoken Word Poetry

Seasonal Depression

By Jennifer Beard

What will it take to be happy?

Sobs echo in my head, my brain,

but on the surface a mask 

remains frozen in place. 

Numb to this world. 

Numb to the pain 

inside my soul cries to take this all away. 

Carry on. Oh, Carry on. 

Look in the mirror.

The light doesn’t touch your eyes. 

Everything is dependent on you, 

and all you feel you need is a break -

a break from this race,

a break from this pace,

a break from this numbness 

washing over your face. 

And the tiniest sliver of joy 

leaves me bereft.

Drawers filled with hobbies, 

abandoned right and left -

wanting connection, 

but still trying to dodge her 

in the reflection, the feelings

like Oliver asking for “more, sir.”

Please please - 

metaphorically falling to my knees, 

begging for just an ounce of serotonin, please. 

As I crawl my way through, dusty, dark, 

bleeding what’s left of my battered peace. 

There’s nothing; and yet, 

despite of the cracks of this plastic façade, 

I’m left wondering, where is God? 

How did I come to this place? 

Where I see, face to face.

I cover myself in this cheery disposition, 

all the while wondering, what am I missing? 

But I guess it’s just a season

For there must be a reason.

An Excerpt On Death

Today is the 6th anniversary of Rob's passing. Every year, the grief hits me unexpectedly. I want to share an excerpt of my upcoming memoir. The following is a portion of my chapter on grief.  

Rob

Rob and Stephanie were friends from the Honor Academy, where I watched their love story unfold from the very beginning. Rob was athletic, his long limbs lean and muscular from his daily runs. His angular face was framed with warm brown facial hair that was longer than his crew cut style. Rob’s smile exposed his gums just as much as his slightly crooked teeth. One thing was clear - how much he adored Stephanie. At first, she had no interest in him, but he wooed her with romance from the moment they met. He did all the usual things - flowers, chocolates, romantic dates - but he was so completely smitten with her that she couldn’t help falling for him in return. Through the power of social media, we were able to keep in touch over the years, and I watched their relationship bloom after we left the Honor Academy. She lived in Oklahoma, while he lived in Canada. When he finally proposed in June 2010, he got down on one knee in the place that represented them both - the Canadian-American border. Stephanie blogged about their journey through all the hard times - their honeymoon baby that she didn’t want but she fell in love the moment he was born, the arduous journey to obtain Rob’s dual-citizenship in America, their subsequent financial struggles because Rob couldn’t get a job without the proper visa, their mutual quest to gain back their health. 

Our lives were so similar and so different at the same time. We got married the same month they got engaged. They got pregnant before us, but we both had sons named Josiah. I followed Stephanie’s blog through every monthly update for years, and they had finally reached a point where they were financially stable. Rob had a good paying job, Stephanie was able to concentrate on her photography business, and they had just purchased a new car. Rob was working on his goal of running through all the streets in their little town in Oklahoma; he tracked those runs on a map stuck to the fridge. Little did anyone know that when he left for his run that evening, it would be his last. He was only 28.

2017 was already one of the most hectic years ever for me, with my daughter being born in February, moving to a new apartment in June weeks before my husband was laid off, and starting my teaching credential program in July. I was thrilled yet terrified at getting my first teaching job, but before August was even over, my students and scheduled course load had changed twice. My days were extremely long - teaching all day, classes three nights a week, and pumping breastmilk for my six-month-old every chance I got. I should have been spending my weekends resting, but unfortunately, I filled most of my time with lesson planning and grading. After a full day, the “Sunday Scaries” were setting in, and I relished the chance to spend a few moments nursing my daughter before my husband rocked her to sleep. I snuggled my baby girl closer for just a minute before passing her off to her daddy. The bright light of the kitchen stung my eyes as I stepped out of her dark nursery and breathed in a deep sigh. I noticed the fridge light was out as I pulled out a container of leftover fried rice, sniffed it for good measure, and popped it into the microwave. I leaned forward over the counter, resting on the heels of my hands while I watched my food rotate in the glow of the microwave. My mind was blank, as it often was by the end of the day, just counting the moments until I could finally rest my head on my pillow. I was already fantasizing about my cup of coffee that would greet me the next morning. It took a second to register that my food was ready when the timer beeped. I blinked and shook my head for a moment to clear my already blank mind before I grabbed a fork, shoving the drawer closed with my hip, and then collapsed into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. I mindlessly scrolled through social media as I shoveled forkfuls of salty chicken fried rice into my mouth before going to bed to repeat the whole exhausting cycle again. My husband texted me from the other room, “did you hear about this?” In the thumbnail picture of the GoFundMe, I saw the smiling faces of Stephanie and Rob. My heart dropped into my stomach. I clicked the link and gasped. “NO,” I screamed internally, tears falling before I even had a chance to process the information. I felt my world tip. 

Rob was struck and killed instantly by a distracted driver on their phone, and suddenly my friend Stephanie was left as a single mom of a five-year-old. I had a habit of walking daily as a way to spend a few quiet minutes by myself. At any moment, I could have ended up in the same situation as Rob. There are no words to describe how devastating a loss like that is. 

Stephanie is not only a photographer but a talented writer. In the few months before Rob’s passing, Stephanie started a project with her small photography business called “Women Who Rise,” which featured profile snapshots of women persevering through unbelievable trials - cancer, domestic abuse, mental illness, infertility, loss of a spouse. And suddenly, Stephanie became a woman who would rise up. “I have no doubt that it's not coincidence I started this Women Who Rise project. Over the past several weeks I've spoken with and photographed women who have been through this tragedy I'm now facing. They are on the other side of the ashes, and I am clinging to their stories right now,” Stephanie wrote only 9 days after Rob’s passing. “But even in the midst of this unimaginable and indescribable ache, there's a hope that's holding me.” I am so grateful that she chronicled her entire journey with grief as she dealt with everything openly over the next several years. I saw the world through the lens of Stephanie’s eyes as I read her beautiful words: “Death took something from me, and I grew. I lost love, and I learned to love deeper. Death saved me. It awakened me. It removed the grip of this world and tethered my heart to heaven.” How can someone move on after the loss of someone so precious? Rob’s fervor, his passion, his abundant love – it still ripples out through Stephanie and his son, Josiah. They had to tread through rough waters in the months and years after his passing, navigating through a foggy, unfocused spyglass pointed at the horizon of the future. We have no idea of the impact that we will leave on those around us. Our responsibility is to leave our mark so the world will be better when we are gone. The legacy Rob left behind is a testament to how well he defined his line. Through Stephanie’s journey, I saw a strength like I never thought possible. Through Rob, I learned how to cherish my family and celebrate all the little things that I could miss.

(Magnolia Adams Photography)

One Chapter Ends

This is the final week of my internship with Santa Fe Writers Project. When I started looking into grad school programs, I wanted to pursue a program outside of education. I ended up enrolling in Bay Path University’s Creative Nonfiction Writing MFA program. I was very excited to begin my publishing track last fall. What I gained was a primer of knowledge on the basics of publishing. Our class was privileged to Zoom interview with Brigit Marmion (marketing), Andy Ross (literary agent), Kay Hardy Campbell (self-published indie author), Jacinta White (editor), and Mel Allen (magazine editor). At the helm was our professor Kate Whouley, leading us through with wisdom and expertise. When I started the course, I was interested in learning about the publishing industry as described in a syllabus. By the end of the entire process, including the interview with the wonderful Alyssa Hassan from Beacon Press, I have determined that this field of publishing is where I want to take my career next.

The sequel to the first course was an immersive publishing experience. Whenever I explained this course to those outside of BPU, I always described it as “an internship in publishing and blogging about it.” Building on the previous knowledge from the first semester, I thoroughly enjoyed reading and interacting with my classmates through their internship experiences while immersed in my own. I am delighted to have made connections that will hopefully transcend the conclusion of our time together and will carry on for many years. 

For the immersion experience, I sent an inquiry letter to Andrew Gifford, the founder of Santa Fe Writers Project. SFWP is an independent press that was founded in 1988 The press publishes exciting fiction and creative nonfiction of every genre, maintains an online literary journal, and runs an annual internationally-recognized awards program. I was initially drawn to the mission statement where it states that SFWP seeks to champion diverse voices. Diversity, equity, and inclusion are especially important to me, as I have sought to provide a diverse classroom library to my students so all feel represented in my class. This is especially poignant in the light of all of the book bans that have affected publishing over the last several years. I was delighted to find a host of diverse selections in the creative nonfiction genre, particularly in the SFWP quarterly publication. With the encouragement of my professor, I sent an inquiry letter to Andrew in hopes that my particular skill set would suit my internship responsibilities over the next semester. 

Since my internship was virtual, the majority of my interaction with my colleagues was through email. I have exchanged the most emails with Andrew, with whom I checked in on a weekly basis. When asked for more information on the other employees, Andrew said he was the only staff member. Lindsay is independently contracted to manage the social media channels for SFWP, and she is the person with whom I worked the most to create content leading up to AWP23. 

The vast majority of the work I did for SFWP was on Canva creating templates for social media. I was sent an initial list of books for which to create content, and I was given full creative license to create. Over the next few weeks, I created over 35 pieces of content that could be used on their social media. I created a collection of author spotlights, as well as two images per book featuring information to draw readers in. Each week leading up to AWP, I emailed back and forth with Lindsay to tweak and adjust the templates as requested. 

After establishing which authors would be attending AWP23, I asked Andrew if he would mind sending me physical copies of the books so I could begin creating content in video format to promote on Tiktok and Instagram Reels. He was more than happy to send them my way. Once all the books arrived, I spent a few hours batch-filming 15+ videos in one day. What started as a hobby through silly videos on Tiktok over the last three years has now become industry experience. I have been building my own social media platform working with publishers and authors to promote upcoming books. It is gratifying to know I can use something I am passionate about to further serve my purpose. I was so excited to find that the skills I have been honing on social media over the last few years would actually be useful in this new position. I’d been warned by my professor that as an intern, I would likely get the mundane jobs. I am grateful that I have transferable skills that I can use for my internship as I continue through the next few months. I am excited to pitch ideas for content and have them met with equal excitement, making adjustments and growing as I collaborate with my colleagues. 

A couple weeks into my internship, my professor suggested I might ask if I could help out with the SFWP booth at AWP. After lots of back and forth of a seemingly impossible task, we finally worked it out to where SFWP would pay for my badge if I could fund my own travel and lodging. The idea sparked that I might be able to go to the conference to assist with their booth. I love traveling, and the opportunity to meet up with long-time friends and bumping elbows within the publishing world seemed like the perfect opportunity to dive headfirst into the internship. 

Overall, this experience over the last year, especially culminating in my internship experience, immersed in publishing, has been one of the highlights of my year. I am exceedingly grateful to my classmates for their consistent encouragement and feedback. I am grateful to my professor for her expertise and wisdom and guidance. I am grateful to Santa Fe Writers Project and Andrew Gifford for allowing me the experience of dipping my toes and pushing. And for allowing me to run with the skills that I have honed to buy the last several years. I am more confident in my future as I use this experience as a launching pad for my career and publishing.

Another Chapter Begins

As I conclude my second year at BPU, I am preparing to launch into my final year where I will complete my thesis project. The goal is to complete 100 pages of edited material ready to send off for publication, if I so wish. My eventual goal is to write a memoir, but also to work within the publishing industry using my skills in social media marketing.

A Glimpse into SFWP

While working at AWP23 last month, I had the opportunity to work with Monica Prince, professor, activist, playwright, author, and managing editor of Santa Fe Writers Project. Her published works include How to Exterminate the Black Woman: A Choreopoem, Letters from the Other Woman, and upcoming Roadmap: A Choreopoem, set to publish this summer. While working at AWP together, I witnessed Monica sell out of the advanced copies of Roadmap, donning matching earrings modeled after her cover. I only got a small glimpse at Monica over the two days we worked together, but already I could tell that she puts in the work with SFWP. Since returning from AWP, I had the opportunity to discuss with Monica a little more about what her role is with SFWP.

Monica Prince at the SFWP booth for AWP23

Santa Fe Writers Project was founded by Andrew Gifford, the sole full-time employee of the press. However, there are several contracted employees that help to keep everything running. Monica Prince began working with the press in 2016 as a book reviewer after meeting Andrew at AWP. After contributing voluntarily for a year, the managing editor of SFWP’s quarterly publication asked Monica if she’d like to be paid for her work. “I was like, oh that’s fun. I would like to be paid. Let’s do that thing,” she told me. From there, Monica started writing interviews, book reviews, and culture rants for the quarterly. In the spring of 2018, Monica herself stepped into the role of managing editor for the quarterly. Since then, she also fills the role of editor and managing editor for the entire press. “Mainly that means I take over when Andrew is unreachable or doing other stuff for the press,” she said. 

Her job at SFWP mostly entails supporting a team of authors and developmental editors, overseeing the quarterly literary magazine, and managing all the interns. In addition, she also acts as developmental editor for the manuscripts she chooses from their large influx of submissions, which is usually open year-round. “We actually are closed right now because I’m trying to revamp the quarterly, so I have all this stuff I’ve got to do,” she explained. In the past, authors could submit year-round with no submission fee, but with the rising costs on Submittable, they’ve had to introduce a fee. SFWP Quarterly accepts all prose, in nonfiction and fiction, and just started accepting poetry, book reviews, and author interviews. A reading board of interns usually handles the first reads of all submissions to narrow down selections, offer detailed comments, and try to provide meaningful feedback to as many writers as possible. If an author’s work is accepted, Monica sends out congratulatory emails and asks for updated drafts. The drafts are then sent to copy edits, then to the authors for approval, before finally being published on the website. Authors provide a bio and a quote from their piece to draw the attention of readers and to use for social media marketing. The best of the best from the year are also selected to be published in a printed publication called The Annual. “The print version gets authors extra play for their work, which I think they appreciate,” she told me. 

I was curious how The Annual differs from the SFWP Literary Awards and found it’s actually two completely different projects. The Literary Awards actually happen every other year, and it’s a publication contest for full manuscripts. Usually submissions open in December and close in July. Submissions cost $30 for the authors, and they have to submit answers to a small questionnaire to explain what their book is about. “You’d be surprised at how many authors cannot tell you what their book is about. They think they are the only person who’s ever written on whatever subject they’re writing about. People have written about literally everything, and just because you haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You need to read more,” she concludes. For 2022, SFWP received 1200 submissions to the contest, and the team read every one. “If you don’t like this by 25 pages, vote it down and move on. But if at 25 you want to keep reading, then vote it up,” she explained. The contest seemed to me like an insurmountable task because they try to give meaningful feedback to every single submission. Sometimes authors revise and resubmit based on the feedback they receive. “We do unpublished manuscripts, previously published manuscripts that were self published or were published by micro or hybrid press that didn’t receive adequate promotional support,” she said. They prefer submissions by unrepresented authors, as opposed to authors with literary agents, because the process is simpler to sell subrights. “Agents tend to fuck it up, putting it nicely,” she confessed. Prize money and accolades draw authors, and SFWP aims to fill out their publication schedule with the contest submissions. From the 2022 contest, SFWP plans to publish six or seven of the works at their press over the next three years. 

Although I am a writer, I am interested in learning what it takes to get into the publisher side of the industry. When asked for advice, Monica recommended joining reader boards. Most journals are actively looking for volunteers to read submissions, and some are willing to pay. Another way is to write book reviews of recent books or books about to be published. “You can literally email just about any publisher and ask if they have any books coming out in the next twelve months. They will send you free books to read, and you write the reviews. It’s a lot of fun. It exposes you to a lot of different types of writing, but you also better understand what is popular and what people are reading,” she said. Another benefit to writing reviews is that it can connect you with authors. Many presses are looking for reviewers to interview their authors to help support their work. “It’s a really good way to get everyone excited about the work,” she said. 

Monica Prince and Jennifer Beard find the Swap Ape at AWP23

 

“Monica Prince teaches activist and performance writing and serves as Director of Africana Studies at Susquehanna University in Pennsylvania. She is the author of Roadmap: A Choreopoem, How to Exterminate the Black Woman: A Choreopoem, and Letters from the Other Woman. She is the managing editor of Santa Fe Writers Project and the co-author of the suffrage play, Pageant of Agitating Women, with Anna Andes. Her work appears in Wildness, The Missouri Review, The Texas Review, The Rumpus, MadCap Review, American Poetry Journal, and elsewhere. A Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net nominee obsessed with maxi skirts with pockets and yoga, Prince writes, teaches, and performs choreopoems across the nation.”

http://monicaprince.com 

That's a Wrap

 AW2P 23 in Seattle has come and gone and I think I have finally recovered. What a whirlwind experience. I’m so grateful to Santa Fe Writers Project for allowing me that experience.

My job while working the book fair floor was mostly to take pictures for social media and to walk the floor handing out SFWP swag. Not to brag, but I received feedback multiple times that we had the best swag there with branded lens cleaners. I made it a point to look for all of the vendors that had glasses, and those who looked like they really needed some traffic to their table. I am gregariously extroverted and know no strangers when put in situations like this. There were HUNDREDS of vendors at the book fair. I gallivanted across the entire floor from front to back, twice. It took about three hours to traverse the sea of vendors. I was thrilled to see some of my favorite companies represented, such as Bookshop.org, Libro.fm, and BloomsburyUK. 

I had many memorable experiences, including getting invited to queer karaoke, getting coffee with one of my BPU professors, taking shots of whiskey with Whiskey Tit Books, and watching Monica Prince sell out of her upcoming choreopoem. My favorite experience was finally getting to meet the SFWP authors in person. 

Over the last several months, I have been working intensively with a small set of books to promote on social media to drive sales at AWP23. Most of the authors present sold completely out of their books at the conference. I got to meet Monica Prince, Lilly Dancyger, Elizabeth Gonzalez James, Stephen G Eoannou, Joseph Holt, and Ted O’Connell. It was surreal to actually meet in person and ask for their autographs. 

Since I was surrounded by such expertise, I decided to ask each author if they had some wisdom to share with an aspiring author. 

“Patience. Just let it happen. Don't force it. Wait. it may take you seven years for that novel. That’s how it is.” - Ted O’Connell

“Read widely. Read well-known works and unknown works to find what intrigues you as a reader.” - Joseph Holt

“Read voraciously and write as much as you possibly can.” - Elizabeth Gonzalez James

“Just write your fucking book.” - Lilly Dancyger

I think I’ll do just that.

Left to Right: Jennifer Beard, Monica Prince, M Todd Gallowglas

Left to Right: Jennifer Beard, Ted O'Connell

Left to Right: Stephen G Eoannou, Jennifer Beard

Words

I am a bit of a logophile. I absolutely adore the way words weave together in elegant prose. I love discovering new words, and especially learning snippets of other languages. As a novice writer, I would agonize over choosing the exact word I wanted, rather than a placeholder, before I could move on and finish a piece. Thankfully, I later discovered the power of revision. 

Years ago, I received a gifted copy of The Big Book of Words You Should Know, which began the journey to where I now own a small collection of obscure dictionaries. My most recent acquisition is The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by John Koenig, a delightful collection of emotionally evocative words of the human condition that we feel but lack the language to express. 

As I have been involved with my publishing internship for two months now, two words in particular from this lyrical dictionary jumped to my attention.

zielschmerz

n. the dread of finally pursuing a lifelong dream, which requires you to put your true abilities out there to be tested on the open savannah, no longer protected inside the terrarium of hopes and delusions that you started up in kindergarten and kept sealed as long as you could.

German Ziel, goal + Schmerz, pain. Pronounced "zeel-shmerts."

I dreamt of being a published author when I was in kindergarten. The very first book that I ever wrote was called Let’s Bring Books to School, which was written and illustrated by six-year-old me, stapled together and treasured for years before it was lost in a box of keepsakes. While the dream has shifted, 35-year-old me is finally able to explore the intricacies of the publishing world. When my professor first mentioned this immersive publishing experience, she warned that, as an intern, the work would not be glamorous. The stereotypical intern’s job is to do the grunt work and bring the coffee. Being that my internship is completely virtual, I had no idea what to expect. Much like beginning a new job, the same nervousness held me close as I ventured into this new frontier to gain experience. Call me overly confident, but when I look at any publishing jobs listed on LinkedIn, I think to myself “I could do that. And if I can’t, they’ll train me.” Most of what I’ve been doing with my hours with SFWP is creating social media graphics and promotional videos to highlight their upcoming booth at AWP23, yet I find myself grunting very little. I’ve jumped headfirst into the zielschmerz, and there’s no looking back now.

apolytus

n. the moment you realize you are changing as a person, finally outgrowing your old problems like a reptile shedding its skin, already able to twist back around and chuckle at this weirdly antiquated caricature of yourself that will soon come off completely.

From apolysis, the stage of molting when an invertebrate's shell begins to separate from the skin beneath it + adultus, sacrificed. Pronounced "ah-pahl-i-tuhs."

Even though you could call me overly confident, I also struggle with imposter syndrome. I am very good at my job as a teacher, and I know that I have many transferable skills that would lend well to the publishing industry. While some might consider content creation and graphic design to be grunt work, it’s genuinely fun for me. I experience this apolytus when I look back over the last three years on social media. I began creating content on social media during quarantine as a way to build connections with people while being stuck at home. It wasn't until I wrote my letter of inquiry to SFWP that I realized my hobby on the “silly little dancing app” has actually helped me hone marketable skills in this industry. My “aha” moment was when I realized I am completely capable of doing my tasks well. They trust me to do my job, and so I should trust myself as well. 

(Photo credit)

These are a Few of my Internship Things

Formats on Canva and meticulous templates

Bright inspirations that tickle the itches

Round branded logos of SFWP

These are a few of my internship things

 ***

Deadlines approaching and crunch-time is looming

Emails from boss that seem a bit dooming

Brown cardboard boxes are filled up with reams

These are a few of my internship things

 ***

Then the plot thickens and starts to unravel

Last minute funding to cashflow my travel

Airplane I'll fly on to AWP

These are a few of my internship things

***

When creating

Social content

Sometimes it starts to lag

I simply remember my creativity

And then I can feel so glad